In spite of everything we hear more marriages are successful than ever before but people in the twenty first century expect more from marriage than a stable economic unit. The stakes are particularly high in a marriage based on love, equality, and shared values. As a result sustaining marriage takes more time, more energy, honesty and emotional investment than previous generations and that is why a good marriage can feel like a struggle at times. All couples struggle and it can feel lonely at times.
Sex is a common issue that couples struggle with. Many husbands want to have sex more frequently than their wives. Wives say they would have more sex if husbands helped with housework and kids more and give love and affection as more than quick foreplay to sex. Husbands say that without sex they get frustrated and demotivated to help or be romantic and sex helps them feel more connected to their wives. It’s a cyclical problem and circles endlessly in some less happy marriages. In general, the more sex a couple has, the happier the marriage. Sustaining the chemistry and re-igniting passion is the challenge for many couples. There are things that help but honesty must be the first order of business to deal with the issue and it takes courage.
When dishonesty enters….passion dies. A relationship requires some edge, some risk, and some truth to keep sexual interest alive. In Mating in Captivity Esther Perel talks about reconciling the erotic with the domestic in life and says it is a paradoxical union where the political correctness of the North American bedroom can feel like a sexual cage. Bringing lust back requires us to embrace a less egalitarian approach and enchantment, liberation, and play between the distance between us. A good marriage is fine but a truly sexual marriage is better. Viva la difference!