Terry Real and the New Rules of Marriage: Great is What you Deserve!

Happy smiling middle-aged couple outdoors  Terry Real in “The New Rules of Marriage” Terry says in his book that ” people may tell you what you’re looking for is unrealistic. I don’t think so. Well meaning friends and family may focus on your need to compromise. I don’t want you to. Your relationship is too important for compromise. Your work may be rewarding, your kids great, and your friends wonderful, but in the end, your bond with the person you live out your life with- the one you grow up and grow old with- is the single most important connection you will ever have. I want you to go after what it is you want-with skill and with love- and get it.”

As a therapist I want to turn your bad relationship into a good one, and a good relationship into a great one. How do you get one like this? You build it day by day with thoughtfulness and skill. I teach these skills. It is truly my passion at this point in my career.

Read his book, see a therapist trained in relational methods, give yourselves this chance to have the relationship of a lifetime!

Putting on other people’s shoes

We all have particular social roles we fill in our everyday lives. We may occupy several roles at different times throughout the day. For example, you may be a waitress, a teacher, a husband, a brother, or a mother. Each of these roles is seen as having specific associated behaviours. In our initial encounters with other people, we often view them as their role, rather than as an individual acting in that particular role. This is what Daniel Goleman refers to as the It-identity. Goleman suggests that any time we are expected to engage with someone in terms of their social role alone, we treat them as a one-dimensional It, disregarding their human identity.

Although this is socially acceptable, even necessary, for many of our encounters with other people with whom we have superficial relationships, it is detrimental to our close relationships. We feel rejected by those we care about when we are treated more as a thing than as a person. It is important that we are able to attune to the realities of our loved ones, showing them empathy.

Goleman argues that empathy is the key to healthy communication within relationships. He describes being the target of true empathy as ‘feeling felt’. In such situations, we sense that the other person understands how we feel. This is a crucial element of healthy relationships.

Through sessions, we can work together to help build your empathy skills. We can discover tools and strategies to assist you in effectively looking at a situation from another’s perspective, strengthening your ability to see things from another’s point of view. We can work individually, or as a family or group, to share perspectives and uncover the benefits of empathic relationships.

Credit: Goleman, D. (2007). Beyond IQ, Beyond Emotional Intelligence- Social Intelligence: The Revolutionary New Science of Human Relationships. New York, NY- Random House Publishing.

Four phrases that can strengthen your relationship

Often, people are afraid to say important words to the people they love- words that can change and improve their relationships. This is true for lovers, siblings, parents, and friends.

Ira Byock, a medical doctor and writer, has worked in hospitals her entire career. She often witnesses people and their relationships in the last breaths of live. This experience has taught her that, in peoples’ last moments, their feelings are not that of hatred and resentment, but rather of love and forgiveness. She argues that there are four sayings that can help improve any relationship, and that it is never too early, or too late to use these sayings to strengthen the relationships with others in our lives. After all, it is the relationships that we have with others that give our lives meaning and offer us acceptance and love.

Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.

Byock argues that these four short phrases can help you to begin to mend and strengthen your relationship. In sessions with me, we can work together to build the courage to use these words more often with those you care about and you can begin to discover the healing power of words within your relationships.

Credit: Byock, I. (2004). The Four Things that Matter Most: A Book About Living. New York, NY- Free Press.